Here is me: a wife, mom, daughter, big sister, granddaughter, niece, step-daughter, step-sister, friend, child of God. I married the love of my life within 7 months of meeting him at a church camp. We had our first son before I t urned 21. Traded in my beloved Escape for the good ol' minivan and moved out to Reno, Nevada to serve on staff at a church for 18 months. We were very restless in Reno and too far away from family. I felt like it was just me, my boy, and my puppy dog most days. God led us back here to Missouri to a church in O'Fallon late August of 2009 and I gave birth to our second boy not even 2 weeks later. Since then, life has been a blur. A happy and exciting blur, but a blur nonetheless. We added another dog to the family around Thanksgiving that year and bought our very first house April 2010. We are learning how to parent a strong-willed, very energetic, slightly OCD, attitude-filled 3 1/2 year old. At the same time, we're RE-learning how to parent an almost 18 month old with a completely opposite personality and demeanor than his older brother, thus making it a totally different experience this time around. At the same time, my husband and I are learning how to communicate better with each other and keeping a positive spirit throughout our home.
All of this....and I'm still more than 4 months away from turning 25. How did that happen??
Moment of honesty here. Every once in a while, I find myself a little nostalgic and dreaming about being the young college going girl I was for only a couple of years. So carefree back then. Friends to hang out with everywhere you turn. Basically, girls' nights almost every night. No diapers to change, bottles to wash, or car seats to buckle. Getting to take a shower and doin' your business in peace. Sleeping in!
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being a mom. And I LOVE being a wife to the man I love. Love it! It is what I was made for, no doubt in mind. For as long as I can remember, being a wife, a mom, and serving in the ministry has been all I wanted. I don't regret anything that has happened. But, I really do think it's okay for me to say that sometimes, just sometimes, it hits me. When I see where all of the other people my age are at in life, what they have been able to do, what they've accomplished, the memories they've made with their college friends, friends that may go on to be their lifelong friends. It hits me that I could have had that, too. If I could just push back my family life a couple of years.
The thing is, God was not surprised when that pregnancy test turned out positive. He knew and He had a plan. A perfect plan for Mitch and me. For the boys that He blessed us with at an early season of life. A plan for this family of mine. I may not be able to go out and have girls' night whenever I want. I may not have the same amount of college memories that the girls I shared freshman year with may have. But, I DO HAVE a ton of other blessings. Blessings that not everyone my age has been able to experience yet and I can CHOOSE to look at the fact in a positive way.
I get to rock my 18 month old to sleep because he is and, I hope, always will be my snugglebug. I get to comfort my almost 4 year old in the middle of the night when he yells out because of a nightmare. I get to share the ups and downs of our day with my husband before we fall asleep next to each other. I get to take my boys to the park and watch them learn how to interact and play with other kids. I get to hear sweet little prayers at bedtime that thank God for "mommy, daddy, riley, dakota and charlie". I get to be completely stunned by the brilliance of my firstborn and how quickly he learns a new concept. I get to watch two brothers play and, yes, sometimes fight with each other and basically just figure each other out. I get to love and be loved by a wonderful man who is a fantastic dad to his sons. I've been able to experience childbirth twice already and be completely awestruck by the way my heart has just latched onto and grown in it's capacity to love these two little boys.
I GET to be a MOM and I GET to be a WIFE. God has entrusted me with these roles, with these people to take care of. Obviously, He must know something I don't because there are definitely days where I doubt my ability to be who He's called me to be. I feel like I'm always in need of more patience, more consistency, more control of my home. Maybe that's ok. A work in progress, perhaps? Please don't think I'm all depressed and hating life because I'm far from it. There are more good days than bad days so I'm pretty sure I'm doing ok. Doesn't everyone have the bad days like I do?? Go ahead and agree with me even if it's not true, makes me feel a little more normal.
I will sign off with this song I'm listening to and basically just receiving from the Lord right now. Nothing like the sweet, soothing voice of Kari Jobe to blog by.
You're My beloved, you're My bride.
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with me, My love
Under My mercy, come and wait
til we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you, My child
You're beautiful to Me, so beautiful to Me.
I sing over you, My song of peace
Cast all your cares down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
and hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole.
You're My beloved, you're My bride.
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me, My love
Until next time, my friends.
